As I sit in my house, with the television quietly humming in the background the ratchetness of whatever VH1 show is currently playing, I contemplate where to start.
With my daughter away with her dad for the weekend and with a house filled with an uncomfortable silence from the lack of children's laughter and screams, I sit here and get wrapped up in the reality of what my life is. Without her here, I am face to face with the stark reality of the loneliness that my life has become. Some days I tip toe around the house and try to erase the memories it holds.
The memories of inside jokes.
The memories of strong arms wrapped around me.
The memories of passionate lovemaking.
The memories of cuddles under our covers watching our shows.
The memories of kisses in threes as we met or departed.
But also...
The memories of loneliness.
The memories of words unspoken.
The memories of tears stinging my cheeks.
The memories of walking on eggshells to ensure his happiness.
The memories of what was but is not anymore.
I read a quote shortly after our separation that stated...
'One of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.'
And that quote could not be any more accurate.
With the loss of a person through death or tragedy there is a certain sense of closure that almost makes the grieving a little bit more bearable but grieving a person who is still alive doesn't allow you to have that closure. That loss is still present, still constant, still stabbing the open wound it created.
There are seven stages of grief and I think through the trials and tribulations of life, every person has experienced part of these no matter what the situation was that led you to that grief. For me, that struggle and grief is my impending divorce. A situation I never imagined I'd ever been in but that I have to learn to navigate. In starting the process of healing and moving forward, it is therapeutic for me to document my journey through this whole ordeal to find some clarity and hopefully with time, will find the closure I need in this chapter of my life.
Seven stages of grief :
1. Shock + Denial
2. Pain + Guilt
3. Anger + Bargaining
4. Reflection + Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction + Working Through
7. Acceptance + Hope
I think I've made my way through quite a few of these since our separation last October but I'll delve a little deeper in each one through this to clear my mind and heart of all that has been circling around in there.
Divorce is a shitty, lonely, emotionally messy, labyrinth of feelings and I want to release the stigma that it's something we can't talk and share with each other.
Real life is messy and hard sometimes, and I think in those times, freeing ourselves to express ourselves openly is our first step in rebuilding our new life.
Here is to our grief and getting through it together.
